


Braaaiiins!

by Littlebluejay_hidingpeanuts



Category: Original Work, Zombieland (2009)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-26
Updated: 2020-01-26
Packaged: 2021-02-27 09:47:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,767
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22425052
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Littlebluejay_hidingpeanuts/pseuds/Littlebluejay_hidingpeanuts
Summary: How I would survive a zombie apocalypse.
Kudos: 2





	Braaaiiins!

I am positive that everyone has thought about it. With the number of movies and books about it, it is hard to escape exposure. It is inconceivable to think that teens to fifty year olds have not been bitten by the idea of thinking about their survival. The mass hysteria and stupidity of the characters created by facing this catastrophe bring out strong emotions in the audience of these movies and books. Everyone has their own opinion of how they would deal with a zombie apocalypse. And they all know where to go for advice and research.

<http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_zombie_films>You didn’t think I was going to type them all out, did you?

Some say that if a zombie apocalypse were to happen, that it would not be as grand and dangerous as people believe. Zombies are walking corpses. Their bodies are not very impenetrable or invulnerable. They have soft, gooey human parts. They would begin to fall apart within days. The weather would be enough of a destructive force to rid the world of the undead scourge. The heat found near the equator in desert and tropical areas speeds up decomposition. Humid areas do this as well. Colder areas bring different disadvantages to the zombies. In winter climates the zombies‘ joints would freeze, making it hard for them to move, and easier for them to be killed. Zombies do not create body heat. They’re dead. All their muscles and joints, the soft, gooey stuff, would slowly freeze in place from the cold weather. There are also other non-climate things and regular decomposition which would tear apart these carrion. There would be carrion eaters. Bugs, birds, random dogs looking for a new bone, wild animals all looking for food would tear pieces from these walking corpses before they had a chance to fight back. They would not be able to withstand the damage done to their bodies, making them ineffectual. Then, there is the biggest obstacle for the zombies: getting out of the grave. Even if the dead were still buried in easily broken, simple wooden boxes, the zombies would have to dig up through six feet of dirt. The dirt would collapse down on them as they broke out of the coffins. They would be trapped by the force. But coffins are no longer simple planks of wood, they are huge, heavy, unbreakable without an ax or chainsaw, with metal attachments coffins. Sometimes they are even made out of metal. How is the Michael Jackson zombie supposed to get out of his gold coffin? Then, there is this strange costume that I just recently discovered as a result of going to my grandmother’s funeral. People will have their coffins, but when they are put into the ground, they also have a concrete box which the coffin goes into. Zombies would not be able to climb out of those. These are the problems that undead zombies have to face. Of course, this all changes if the zombies are instead alive and infected or risen by magic. The living zombies would not have to go through escaping their graves or have to deal with decomposition. The “magical” zombies have supernatural power driving them, so obstacles would not have much weight for them. These other types of zombies are also harder to kill as a result, so let’s hope the zombie apocalypse has the first type of undead zombies that stay trapped in their graves, in their cemeteries, unnoticed.

I have thought about what I would do if I was alone and everyone else went mad, or the dead rose, or something else catastrophic. In the event of a zombie apocalypse, I would first run away from the cannibalistic hordes. Always a good first step in an emergency of this kind. I would find someplace to hide. Because I am not the type to continue running forever until the awfulness is over, I would try to find an appropriate shelter that I could defend. The ideal anti-zombie shelter is easily barricaded. It has thick concrete walls. Any doors are heavy and metal with good locks. Windows have metal grating through them and have good locks. If it is needed, when the windows are uncovered, they have a good view of the outside. If it is only one room, then I can see all the exists, but that can also get me cornered in and dead. With multiple rooms, I can have hiding places and multiple emergency exists. Another good addition is access to air ducts, so if need be, I can hide or escape above the zombies. Places that might have these qualities are banks, schools, and dormitories. As long as none of the infected are still present en masse in these buildings, then the few undead stragglers can be taken care of and I can move right in. I would recommend investigating every room, cubicle, and storage closet of the shelter to make sure no unwanted surprises jump out and kill people later. I would try to learn how to use any security systems already in place before the electricity goes out just to learn about any weakness or blind spots. I would not recommend a supermarket or store with the temptation of a close food supply because of the glass. Glass windows and automatic glass doors are dangerous. The zombies can see inside; and broken glass, even if you survive the invading, glass-breaking zombies, can cause wounds that will slow you down, leading to a faster death later.

Hopefully, during my search for a safe, defendable shelter, I have been able to find a weapon or two. Chances are I have come in contact with the undead hordes. If I hope to survive, no matter how strong my shelter, I will need weapons suitable for any distance. I do not know how to use a gun, but what better time to learn. It is not like I will be suffering for practice targets. Guns are good for long range targets. Once zombies get close enough for close combat, and they will, guns lose their effectiveness. I don’t want to use hand to hand combat because that would bring my skin in contact with infected bodies, teeth, and grabbing hands. Good way to die. Instead, blades are preferable. I think a strong, sharp machete would be best. I am not trying to stab, but slice and dice. I am of course going on the assumption that removing the head or damaging the brain will stop the zombies. The best defense would be to hold both a gun and a machete. The gun would then have to be something I could comfortably shoot one handed. This rules out rifles or shot guns, but a hand gun would be best. Two weapons at once would allow meto defend myself at two distances and in two directions. This would also cause problems with reloading. It would have to be done one handed or in some complex juggling act. The gun in the right hand, the blade int he left. The gun is empty, so it is dropped. The blade goes to the right hand and a new gun is picked up in the left from a belt holster. Back up weapons would be more long blades and blunt weapons like bats or clubs of some sort. Hand to hand would just be a last resort to warm up and stretch in preparation for my coming skull-cracking, brain-eating existence.

After finding a shelter and weapons I would move on to finding food and hydration.The nearest supermarket would be my goal.Depending on how far away it was would determine on whither I would try to make one big trip or several little ones.At the supermarket I would first get a radio in the event of any informational emergency broadcasts. Then, I would get food.The fresh food begins to go bad within days.So, I get it while it’s good. Later on, if I survive that long, I will only be eating preserved items.That is what I would also get. Canned foods would be heavy to transport, but they would last.Dried things would also be important.Dried fruits, vegetables, chips, crackers, and jerky would all provide nutrition, energy and could be preserved for a while.

The longer I had to stay in the shelter, the more certain amenities would be removed.Water and electricity would both eventually be gone.This would not be a problem if the apocalypse only went on for a short time.If it went on for months, then I would have to come up with a solution. Batteries could be gotten for flashlights and such from the supermarket along with the food.After some time, this would begin to not be enough.I would need to find a water pump and a generator, either at the supermarket or a hardware store.I have no idea how to hook up either of these things but along with the ideal shelter, I’m making myself an ideal survivor.In fact there in one movie which lists certain rules that can get anyone thinking and acting like an ideal survivor.This is “Zombieland.” The main character follows a number of self-made rules to keep from dying.

  1. Cardio
  2. The Double Tap
  3. Beware of Bathrooms
  4. Wear Seat Belts
  5. No Attachments
  6. The “Skillet”
  7. Travel Light
  8. Get a Kick Ass Partner
  9. With your Bare Hands
  10. Don’t Swing Low
  11. Use Your Foot
  12. Bounty Paper Towels
  13. Shake it Off
  14. Always carry a change of underwear
  15. Bowling Ball
  16. Opportunity Knocks
  17. Don’t be a hero (later crossed out to be a hero)
  18. Limber Up
  19. Break it Up
  20. It’s a marathon, not a sprint, unless it’s a sprint, then sprint
  21. Avoid Strip Clubs
  22. When in doubt Know your way out
  23. Zipplock
  24. Use your thumbs
  25. Shoot First
  26. A little sun screen never hurt anybody
  27. Incoming!
  28. Double-Knot your Shoes
  29. The Buddy System
  30. Pack your stain stick
  31. Check the back seat
  32. Enjoy the little things
  33. Swiss army Knife



So, with these rules in mind and my shelter, food, and amenities found, I should have no problem surviving a zombie apocalypse.I’m sure the zombies have a different outcome in mind.

Works Cited

Interview with Gelsey Bostick

"Mythbusters Forum • View topic - Escape from a Grave." Mythbusters Forum • Index page. N.p., n.d. Web. 29 Nov. 2011. <[http://www.mythbustersforum.com/viewtopic.php?f=29&t=54](http://www.mythbustersforum.com/viewtopic.php?f=29&t=54)>.

"Zombieland Rules – All Zombieland Rules and More - ZombielandRules.com." Zombieland Rules – All Zombieland Rules and More - ZombielandRules.com. N.p., n.d. Web. 29 Nov. 2011. <<http://www.zombielandrules.com/>>.


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